Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Words To Live By

Take heed, young grasshoppers:

Shit washes off.

How do I know this?

First things first: we're all runners here. We have no or very little shame. We discuss odd and embarrassing things about our bodies all the time. Now, on with it.

Shit happens, as they say. Shit happened to me for only the second time this morning. Yes, I have GI issues almost every time I run, but 99% of the time I'm able to control the beast and avoid a mishap. Not so today. I was cruising through mile 4 of my 5-mile run when I felt the dreaded rumble in my guts. I had cleared the pipes before I left as I always do (this is even more important than my shoes, Garmin, or sports bra) and there had been no grumbling from down below so I thought I was golden for the duration of the run.

Well. My body had other plans. I found myself sprinting for home, not an easy feat on sidewalks which were accumulating a slick coating of fresh snow. I almost took a spill right at the foot of my driveway. Despite my best efforts, I was too late. Yes, folks, I crapped my pants. There was nothing I could do to avoid it. Like I said earlier, shit happens. I find it almost miraculous that this has only happened to me twice given my constant battle with my GI tract.

Shit also washes off. It disappears quite nicely when a hot shower and lots of Dial soap is applied. I emerged squeaky clean, spicy fresh, and ready to face the day.

Up until this mishap, my run had been very enjoyable. When I first set out just after 6:00 AM, the first fat, lazy flakes of the morning's snowstorm were just beginning to float downward. The air was so still, they filled the air in a thick cloud which gently buffeted my face. It was like running inside a snow globe. Snowflakes accumulated on my eyebrows and eyelashes until I had to swipe them away. I ran in the street, my footfalls muffled by the soft layer of snow.

I am torn between loathing the cold and unpleasantness of winter training versus its quiet beauty. Luckily I have about 7 more weeks of this to figure it out.


Ansky said...

This happened to me while out on my long run this past Sunday. I have the same problem even if I take care business beforehand like you do. You can read about my adventure here:

I wasn't quite as forthcoming as you but suffice it say I had the same problem.

Kirsten said..., I'm sorry. I have had some CLOSE calls, but managed to keep things put--so far *knocks on wood*. I have cut runs short, though. I've also ducked into the woods a few times.

Robert said...

Oh, that sucks. Sorry. It hasn't happened to me yet, but I'm sure my day is coming. My digestive system is the worst.

Kirsten said...

I drink coffee to "clean house" before my runs...otherwise I'm sure I'd have had a #2 disaster by now.

leftcoaster said...

Yup, that's happened to me too a couple of times, despite taking care of business ahead of time. Always buy the black or dark blue running shorts!

MM said...

I hope you figure out what causes it. I had that problem before, and once I found the cause, I so much happier. But for a while I got used to never being more than 10 minutes from a bathroom or a nice wooded area.

Sun Runner said...

If I'm out in the country on a long run and it can't be avoided, I find a hiding spot and take care of business. This is much more easily accomplished in the summer when I have the cover of foliage. In the winter...well, I have a long out-and-back route which has conveniently-placed state rec area pit toilets.

I don't think the cause is anything specific...just a lot of bouncing around sends things on the outbound express train.

Viper said...

And shit happens on its own terms, apparently.

P.S., don't know why I haven't noticed before, but "Maria" in the bottom right corner of your header cracks me up.


Morgan said...

Oh girl! I'm sorry... also... I'm laughing with you not at you. That is a total bummer but way to laugh it off.

Xenia said...

You are a stronger person than I. I have yet to have this happen to me but I know it's only a matter of time. And I'm gonna freak out like nobody's business too.

Kudos. :)

50something said...

I have had this happen, way too often. It's usually on my week day tempo runs. If I eat trail mix with nuts the day before, I can count on GI problems. Also if I have cream in my coffee before a long run. For a long run, I have learned to take Imodium the night before and again in the a.m. before I run. I hope you find something that works for you, it is a worrisome thing. One morning in particular I was so glad that it was still dark when we finished and I hung back and hurried into the house. What a bother!

Laura said...

Ha, great mantra to live by. I am just impressed that you blogged about it... I've had near accidents that I was scared to report.

Lorenda said...

"we're all runners here. We have no or very little shame. We discuss odd and embarrassing things about our bodies all the time."

And we think nothing of stripping and changing into running clothes in our vehicles in public parking lots!!!

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Man, that part where you - erggh! - talked about getting - urrrp! - SNOWFLAKED in the face, totally made me yak in my mouth.

Luckily, I had that image of you pooping yourself to hang on to - it got me through my ordeal.

You should see Cop Out. Tracy Morgan does an extended riff on pooping that had me snorting and rolling in the aisles.

Later, to my chagrin, I learned there was poop in those aisles.

Could have been worse.

It could have been snow.

Sun Runner said...

Oh, GQH, it's so nice to have you back! I missed your unique brand of humor.

Kristin said...

You are a brave person to confess your travails so boldly! I call running "the natural laxative." :)