Go Blue!

I just found the shirt I'm going to wear in the Cleveland Marathon:

You asked us to expand Wolverines Run and we listened. It is now open to AAUM members running in any marathon. Join Michigan alumni from around the country in Wolverines Run. Alumni Association members who register any marathon can sport their Maize and Blue spirit while running.

Here’s how it works:

Alumni Association members who participate in a marathon are eligible to register for a free Michigan T-shirt (from Cool-Max or similar material) to wear the day of the marathon. T-shirt quantities are limited this year so register now! Submit your order for your Wolverines Run T-shirt two weeks prior to the race date.

Yes, I'm a member of the Alumni Association of the University of Michigan, and when this was included with my weekly e-True Blue newsletter:

Wolverines Run is open to AAUM members running in any marathon. When you register, you'll receive a free Coolmax Michigan T-shirt to wear on race day. Not only will the shirt tell everyone you're a Michigan grad, but other Michigan alumni can easily identify you and cheer you on to the finish line. Register today!

I saw the words "marathon," "free," "Michigan," and "T-shirt" and I was like, I am so all over that.

Yes, I realize this means I will be wearing a University of Michigan shirt in an Ohio race. I like to court danger. And Viper, if you run the half marathon, you will be able to recognize me as I zoom past you.

Thursday Thoughts: Writing Frightening Verse

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows I'm miserable now...

I spent yesterday jotting down notes for things I wanted to say today. Because yesterday was Wednesday, and today is Thursday, and it's not Thursday Thoughts unless it's Thursday, y'know?

• During some Internet wandering the other day I found this.

  White people will train for months, telling everyone who will listen about how they get up early in the morning, they run when it rains, how it makes them feels so great and gives them energy.

• The sad part is that it's so true. And we all know it.
• I have something to do on Sunday afternoons again because the 2009 NASCAR season kicked off last Sunday with the Daytona 500. Let's go racing!
  
• I am trying, oh yes, trying very hard to break my department candy jar addiction. It's become like crack. My cubicle wastebasket is littered with candy wrappers by the end of the day. This habit is not good for my blood sugar nor my overall diet. I have decided I must wean myself off the chocolate teat. However, it is proving extremely difficult because the selection this week includes Twix and Heath bars, which are two of my favorites. Must. Stay. Strong. Resist the fun size candy¹!
  
• The New York Times is finally available for home delivery in my town. Many years ago when I lived in Ann Arbor I got the Times at my apartment. When I moved out to the sticks, that stopped, and for the last 8 years I have been waiting for the day when I could once again receive the Gray Lady on my doorstep. Apparently my town is no longer considered irretrievably rural, because as of yesterday I will be getting the Sunday Times delivered to my house. Oh, Sunday crossword, how I've missed thee! (I do it in pen, in case you were wondering.)
• I don't know why I waited so long to try it, but this morning I sang a little bit of opera (very pianissimo, mind you) in the shower at the gym. My gym has two very nice private shower rooms (they're nicer than my bathroom at home) so I wasn't serenading an entire locker room's worth of ladies with my rendition of "Deh vieni, non tardar" (Mozart, Le Nozze di Figaro). The acoustics proved to be scintillating as only a small tiled-lined box can be. I think I will do it more often. Maybe I can garner myself a reputation as "that chick who sings in the shower" at the gym.
  
• Speaking of music, I pulled Animal Collective's Merriweather Post Pavilion and Deerhunter's Microcastle off iTunes last week and MPP has been on near-constant repeat everywhere (office, car, gym) ever since. The teasing I got from "My Girls," "Brothersport," and "Summertime Clothes" was only the beginning. I haven't loved an album this much and so fast since Neko Case's Fox Confessor Brings the Flood three years ago. Additionally, I bought a ticket to see Animal Collective IN CONCERT in May (yes, the concert the day after the Cleveland Marathon; I hope my legs hold up). I am very excited as I have not been to a rock concert for a long time (incidentally, it was Neko Case at the Temple Club in Lansing in 2006 on her tour to support Fox Confessor). But first, even before AC, I am going to see the incomparable Andrew Bird at the Michigan Theater in Ann Arbor in early April. If there's one song of his that you must investigate, it's "Scythian Empires." Gorgeous. His new album, Noble Beast, came out January 20 and now that I think about it, WTF am I waiting for? I have to buy it...
  
• This week has been the Week of Non-Running, aka I'm Nearly Losing My Mind. After Sunday's near-disastrous and very painful long run (thanks to my running partner Fritz for putting up with my slow, gimpy ass and inability to complete the intended mileage), I decided to do the hard thing and not run this week, giving my IT band a chance to recover. It's now day four and I'M GOING FUCKING INSANE HERE, PEOPLE. I have been doing alternative forms of cardio at the gym but I crave the running, I need the running. Along with the elliptical, rowing machine, and stationary bike, I have been diligently doing my ITB exercises which I got from the doctor last week. My knee feels ever so much better, but then again I have not pounded on it since Sunday.
  
• FOAM ROLLER. I get it, OK? I'm going to buy one of my very own today. Then I can roll on my carpet at home while watching yet another rerun of "100 Greatest Songs of the 80s" on VH1 Classic.
• Along with the IT band meltdown on Sunday, I managed to break my just-over-a-month-old YakTrax:
  

Tragedy!

I was emboldened by Steve's post about his busted YakTrax to post my own sad story in the hopes that the kind folks at YakTrax will send me a replacement pair. I should confess, however, that the destruction was entirely my fault. I beat my feet against the pavement to bust off a wad of ice and snow which was interfering with my gait (which was fucked up enough already), and I guess the impact was too much for the wires to bear. Sproing! This event could not have come at a worse time since we are projected to receive three to five inches of snow on Saturday, and I was hoping to do a little (I said a little) running this weekend. I might be sentenced to dreadmill hell instead. That might not be a bad idea anyway, since if I feel my ITB start to quiver I can bail on the treadmill for the elliptical machine.

• Finally, this:

Yeah. Um...

I don't Twitter (I already have two blogs of my own and contribute to a third and I'm on Facebook² and that is quite enough, thank you) but this, from the comments, makes me squirm uncomfortably:

Do you have cravings to blog first thing in the morning?

Do you often think about how or when you will next be able to blog?

Has your blogging ever interfered with your personal life?

Has your blogging interfered with your health (loss of sleep, carpal tunnel syndrome, etc.)?

Is there any recurring time during the day when you find yourself thinking of blogging?

Do you try to overcome shyness or become more confident by blogging?

Do you find yourself pressuring other people to blog?

Have you gained a reputation as a blogger?

Has blogging increasingly become the central focus of your life?

Great. Not only do I need that iPhoneaholics Anonymous group, now I need Bloggers Anonymous as well?

We admitted we were powerless over blogging—that our lives had become unmanageable...

UPDATE: 1:45 pm. I managed to eat only half as many pieces of candy as I usually do with lunch. Two Milky Way Darks, one Heath, one Snickers, and one Kit Kat.

1: It's after 10:30 and I haven't had one piece of chocolate yet today. This is a small but important victory.

2: If you can find me there, I'll friend you. Unless you're one of those weirdos whom I know is resisting the siren call of Facebook. And you know who you are. But I love ya anyway. ;)

Snowy Saturday Run

Stopping by woods on a snowy morning...

After a too-brief respite from the unrelenting misery of a Michigan winter (I wore shorts on Tuesday to stairclimb practice; it was 60 degrees) it was back to normal today as a few inches of the white stuff fell overnight. The prospect of a seven-mile jaunt through the snow would otherwise be cause for me to grump and whine, but I was actually looking forward to it because it would be my first chance to test-run my latest acquisition:

Behold the Sugoi Firewall 220 Zip! Now with Brown Tabby Stamp of Approval.

I had been saving a gift certificate from Running Fit for just the right occasion. I bided my time, waiting...waiting...until it went on sale. This was a $180 piece of apparel. I got it for considerably less. Zero, in fact, since I was able to use my gift certificate for the entire purchase. I even had a little left over so I grabbed a couple of boxes of Mint Chocolate Gu (limited availability).

I am normally a fairly frugal person when it comes to clothes, especially since I lost weight and had to overturn my entire wardrobe three times. Replacing all those clothes became prohibitively expensive and so I started shopping at a local consignment store. Now I refuse to pay more than $15 for blue jeans and a $3 shirt is like the best thing ever. (I once found a brand-new pair of black wool Calvin Klein dress slacks at this store for $14! Score!)

But when it comes to running gear...well, my frugality falls apart. I am aware there are differing opinions on the benefits, both positive and negative, of fancy running gear. I think we can all agree that moisture-wicking fabrics are a must, and that one should avoid cotton in the winter. Beyond that, however...it's all a matter of personal preference. My personal preference (read: weakness, obsession, addiction, craving, LUST) is for lovely, soft, attractive things, which more often than not are overly expensive. Most of you have seen this post (one of my favorites) about all of my running gear. Then there's my "if you look good you feel good" outfit, and my all-black Stealth Bomber outfit. And of course let's not forget my massive Bondi Band collection, one of which I can coordinate with anything in my inventory. Actually, I believe that I can apply the "if you look good, you feel good" maxim to any outfit I wear. I take it one step further, however, and include "if you feel good, you run faster." Therefore, my gear purchases have a clear purpose: to make me run faster, obviously. It's simple logic, really.

Yeah, when it comes to running, I'm a total clothes horse. (Clothes whore?) Now, back to that gorgeous jacket. I finally got it yesterday and just hung it up in my closet to admire it. I stroked it. It's so soft, you have no idea. It's also a much livelier red than the little camera in my iPhone (aka the Eighth Wonder of the World) can convey. I couldn't believe it was mine! No, I didn't sleep holding it next to my cheek. Sheesh, what kind of weirdo do you think I am? But it was there to greet me when I got up this morning for my run in the freshly fallen snow.

Break out the YakTrax again! (My thighs look enormous in this picture; it must be the weird angle.)

A dreaded snowy day, so I'll meet you at the cemetery gates...The Oak Grove cemetery driveway and entrance gates. This is my favorite bit of road on all the routes I run. It is beautiful in any season.

So we go inside and we gravely read the stones/All those people, all those lives/Where are they now? Looking back the way I just came, up the drive toward the cemetery. I wasn't the only one to pass this way this morning.

My IT band was quiescent until I reached mile four-ish and then the pain flared up again. By the time I was inside the cemetery I was hobbling, and stopping to take pictures didn't help. I doggedly continued onward and finished the seven miles though I was in serious agony by the end. Stupid knee. Once home, I did the stretching and strengthening exercises I got from the doctor the other day. One of them is the classic "cross one leg over the other and touch your toes" stretch, except in my house, I perform a variation on that theme:

Bend down and touch your tabby.

They were both helping out this morning. Brown Tabby (Bouhaki) on the left, Big Orange Tabby (Darwin) on the right. They were facing that way because I was facing that way, so obviously there was something worth looking at over there.

The state of my knee at the moment does not bode well for my planned 14-miler tomorrow. It hurts like hell. I'm not happy about that, not happy at all. It was a difficult run today. The footing was questionable even with the aid of YakTrax. My feet were constantly slipping backward with every strike, which irritates my knees on a good day. This was not a good day. Except for my fab new jacket, midrun iPhone deployment, and the Feline Personal Trainer Corps.

7.13 miles/1:11:53/10:05 pace/annoyance level: high

All photos taken with the magical wondrous iPhone. Post composed in the normal manner, i.e. at my computer. Just to show certain people that I am capable of putting it down for...uh...how long has it been now? Hold on, I have to touch it again...

Much Ado About Nothing

Well, almost. My visit to the doctor this afternoon yielded a diagnosis of IT band syndrome. Oh, is that all? My knee joint is not on the verge of a massive meltdown? Well, that's good news.

On the other hand, this means I will have to become much more diligent about stretching, an activity I frequently neglect.

Obviously.

In other news, my sinking deeper into the time-sucking morass that is my iPhone (my preciousssssss) just got even more enveloping because I downloaded an application that will allow me to update my blog anywhere, anytime.

Aren't you all the lucky ones.

iRun, iBlog, iDrink, iNeedHelp.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

About Face

Saturday: I rocked my 6 mile pace run. The weather was perfect (if a bit breezy), the country roads mostly ice- and snow-free, the iPod was turned up loud and I listened to my Animal Collective playlist twice over. Following my successful pace run I spent three and a half hours listening to Anna Netrebko belt out high E flats (or at least she tried to belt out high E flats; she totally biffed it a couple of times but managed to pull one out at the very end of "Spargi d'amaro pianto"¹) in another live broadcast of the Met in HD (Lucia di Lammermoor) at a local movie theater. I went home, whipped up a quick dinner of green lentil soup, slammed a beer, and headed back to Ann Arbor to hear yet another vocal performance, this one by tenor Lawrence Brownlee. He totally rocked his rendition of "Ah! mes amis"² from Donizetti's La Fille du Régiment with its monumental nine high Cs (and then he did the cabaletta again as an encore). Thus, my Saturday was a perfect day, encompassing the four things I love most, as it says in my profile: running, opera, cats (because any time I sit down on my sofa, a cat jumps on my lap, and I was watching TV while I ate my soup), and cooking.

Sunday: I set out around 10:00 am for my 13-mile long run on my favorite country road loop. I intended to maintain an easy, relaxing pace of about 9:15 per mile and for the first 8 miles I did so successfully. I had my CamelBak on for hydration and Gu for refueling. 50 minutes in I stopped for my first Gu ingestion and when I began running again I felt...a strange twinge in my right knee. Ignoring it, I pressed on, and it faded. I had been farmer-blowing constantly throughout the run (that darn cold just won't go away) and somewhere around mile 7 I executed a full-body farmer blow (I felt like I lost half my brains) which caused a chain reaction of muscle contractions that resulted in my entire torso becoming a giant mass of knots and spasms. I tried every deep-breathing singing trick in my repertoire to ease the iron band around my ribcage but nothing worked. It felt like a fist twisting in my chest. I was well past the halfway point and was determined to finish though my pace was starting to fall off, drifting past 9:30. Then like an electric shock my knee just gave out, pain like a knife slice shooting up my leg, and I screeched to a halt, hopping on my left leg, hollering, "God damn what the hell!" I walked for a little bit and then started running/limping again. I had an opportunity to cut my run short and finish with 9 miles but I thought, "NO! You're almost done, just finish the damn miles!" (I am a slave to my training schedule.)

I plodded onward, intercostal muscles and diaphragm clenching, barely able to draw a breath, knee aching, grinding my teeth together. Miles 9, 10, 11 and 12 slid past as my pace continued slipping, 10:00, 10:15, 10:30...I was finally back in town with one mile to go and I was furious. I was mad because my iPod chose to play a song I didn't particularly like and I wasn't in a position to skip it, I was mad because my face was covered with errant snot-rocket residue, I was mad because I am not used to running that slowly and I could. not. make. myself. run. faster, I was mad because only the day before I had a really great run and now I was having the suckiest run of all time, and I was mad because my damn knee was in pain and I didn't know why. I was HOT, TIRED, and IRRITATED and I just wanted the whole stupid thing to be OVER ALREADY. The instant Garmy turned over to 13.00 miles I slammed the stop button and walked the rest of the way home. Actually, "shuffled" is a more apt description of what I did.

When I finally oozed in the door the only thing I could do was rip Garmy off my wrist, the headphones out of my ears, the CamelBak from around my waist, and lean wearily against the counter. The backs of my pant legs were splattered with mud from the glop on the roads, which I hadn't noticed until then. I felt like pond scuzz. Walking was difficult; my knee was singing in pain like Netrebko's high notes from the day before. When I finally made it upstairs to take a shower, I bent over to take my socks off and something in my knee went rrrrrrrrrrrip! and crunch! and I just thought, "Oh, NO." Hearing something like Rice Krispies emanating from one's body is never a good sign.

I crawled into bed and pulled the covers over my head and just laid there for a couple of hours, feeling beat up and bone-tired. When I got up my hair was a crazy nest because I had laid down while it was still wet from my shower. My torso still ached and the first couple steps I took almost brought me down as my knee sagged underneath me. Going downstairs was agony (I started hyperventilating from the pain) and I realized that I was probably going to have to...

...GO TO THE DOCTOR.

Which I will be doing on Thursday. I haven't been to the doctor for any reason since March 2008, and that was for a sinus infection. My preferred method of dealing with the various aches and pain I suffer as a runner is to ignore them. I figure they come with the territory. This is different. This isn't a black toenail (I've got one of those, too) or DOMS or frozen fingers. I've never had any knee problems. I do not need to tell y'all that I am terrified I will hear bad news. Like, "You have a partial tear of your lateral collateral ligament and you can't run for six to eight weeks" kind of news. Which would effectively kill my plans to attempt to BQ at Cleveland. I might still be able to run Cleveland, but that's all.

Dear god.

One day is wonderful, the next not so much.

Oh yeah, I found a wool Michigan hat lying in the road, amazingly free of dirt and mud, and I picked it up and brought it home and washed it. John thinks this is very strange and gross. I was like, "OMG free [awesome] hat!!" As long as I washed and dried it, what's the big deal? Thoughts? Have any of you ever found something on a run that you've brought home?

1: The aria in the clip is Natalie Dessay singing, not Netrebko. On a really good day when I'm fully warmed up I can nail the high E flat at the end. It's such a fun aria to sing even without the big glory note at the end.

2: That's Juan Diego Flores, whom I saw in that production in another Met in HD broadcast last April with the aforementioned Natalie Dessay. I know the subtitles are in German, but the text isn't the point. Just listen to the man (and look at him ;) ). My god!

It's February Outside...But August in my Ears

I can't seem to gush enough about Animal Collective. First I proclaimed "My Girls" to be the supreme song to run to, and now I have shifted my attention to their ode to hot weather, "Summertime Clothes." I was listening to this one over and over yesterday, wondering how it had slipped below my radar despite being in my iTunes library for a couple of weeks. Well, it is below my radar no longer. I am weary of being cold, and just listening to it...oh, I can feel the oppressive humidity of a midsummer night, where even the AC can't beat it out of the air and I lie there, hot and scratchy and irritated...

This one is going on the iPod right next to "My Girls." I will groove along to them on my runs this weekend. May I be fleeter of foot and more cheerful of demeanor for it. (The fact that projected temperatures are supposed to reach the upper 40s tomorrow might also help.)

Oh, and, Animal Collective is coming to Detroit for a show...the day after the Cleveland Marathon. I'm wondering if my legs would have enough strength to hold me upright for a few hours in order to soak up the awesomeness.

Summertime Clothes at indiemuse.com (scroll down page for playable/downloadable mp3s of both "My Girls" and "Summertime Clothes"!)

Sweet summer night and I'm stripped to my sheets
Forehead is leaking my AC squeaks
And a voice from the clock says "You're not gonna get tired"
My bed is a pool and the wall's on fire
Soak my head in the sink for a while
It chills my neck and it makes me smile
But my bones have to move and my skin's gotta breathe
You pick up the phone and I'm so relieved

You slide down the stairs to the eager street
And the sun is left with slippery feet
And I want to walk around with you
And I want to walk around with you
And be here with you

It doesn't really matter, I'll go where you feel
Home for the breeze, get a midnight meal
I'll point in the windows, you point out the parks
Rip off your sleeves and I'll ditch my socks
Dance to the songs from the cars as they pass
Weave through the cardboard, smell that trash
Walking around in our summertime clothes
Know where to go where our bodies go

And we'll breath the dawn in its morning blues
With purple yawns, you'll be sleeping soon
And I want to walk around with you
And I want to walk around with you

When the sun goes down we'll go out again!
Don't cool off, I like your warmth

Let's leave the sound of the heat for the sound of the rain
It's easy to sleep when it wets my brain
It covers my rest with a saccharine sheen
Kissing the wind through my window screen
But restless is causeless and I cannot hide
So much of my mind that it spills outside
Do you wanna go stroll down a financial street?
Our clothes might get soaked
But the buildings sleep

And there's no one pushing for a place
As we amble at an easy pace
And I want to walk around with you
And I want to walk around with you
I want to walk around with you

Nike Fit Dry: Not Just for Special Occasions!

You know you're a runner when your running wardrobe starts bleeding into your "regular" wardrobe, to wit:

Today I am wearing one of my beloved Nike Fit Dry base layer shirts under a scratchy wool sweater. I needed something long-sleeved, close-fitting, and not too heavy since it is, after all, a wool sweater. The Fit Dry shirt was perfect in every way.

Next thing you know I'll be wearing Smartwool socks with my Dansko clogs.

I don't think my workplace is ready for the stealth bomber outfit, however.

I've Got 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...Senses Working Overtime

(credit goes to XTC for this post title.)

Touch:

When I left the house this morning for my scheduled 6-miler, my first thought upon breathing in the crispness of a typical February morning was "Well, it's really not that bad out here!" The cold air against my face was nothing out of the ordinary.

Smell:

I can tell what people are up to in the wee hours of the morning by the smells surrounding their houses. Drying a load of laundry. Burning toast. Frying bacon. Warming up a car. Stoking a wood stove. And then there's a house around the corner from my own that just smells...peculiar. Kind of sour and bitter and chemical-ish. My personal and totally unfounded theory is that someone is operating a meth lab in there.

Hearing:

My shoes on the thin skim of new snow: squeak squeak squeak. A city fire truck, sailing down Main Street: Sirens wailing! The wind through dead oak leaves still hanging high in the branches: Rustle, rustle. Someone doing some woefully overdue sidewalk shoveling: Scrape, scrape. An idiot going 40 mph in the 25 mph zone inside the subdivision: VROOOOM! Me, in response to said speeding idiot: Slow down, asshole!

Sight:

The new snow is so pretty under the street lights! Look how it sparkles and glitters! The song "White as Diamonds" by Alela Diane was created just for this moment. "I’ve known mornings/white as diamonds/silent from a night so cold..."

Is that...light I see in the eastern sky? Oh happy day! I have been running in the dark for so long. Bring on the dawn! In another month, it might be light when I leave the house.

Taste:

When a thin line of snot trickles out of your nose and it's not enough to farmer blow onto the ground, what do you do? Oh yeah, you know what I'm talking about. How else do you think I know snot is salty?

That is my impression of my run this morning, brought to you by the five traditional senses. We do have other senses, however. I'd like to discuss one in particular.

Nociception, aka PAIN:

First, let's go back to what I said at the beginning: "Well, it's really not that bad out here!"

It was zero degrees. With a breeze. As I later learned from the helpful folks at WEMU on my way to work, that's a wind chill factor of minus 16 degrees. There's a wind chill advisory in our area until tomorrow, you know.

No. I didn't know. My hands did, however. Around mile 4 as I ran into the headwind coming from the north, my hands started to chill. I curled my fingers tighter against my palms to no avail. By mile 5 I knew I was in serious trouble. My hands were now stiff, frozen claws that felt like hunks of ice. Like an idiot, I pushed on for the full six miles even though I had a chance to cut it short. When finally I got to my back porch I had to fumble in my pocket for my door key. My fingers literally would not work; I could not uncurl them and grasp my keys. I couldn't feel the key in my hand. I managed to open the door. I was already groaning in pain. I pulled my gloves off. My hands were a weird shade of white with some red splotches. I turned on my kitchen faucet and put my hands under the lukewarm water. Almost immediately they started throbbing and tingling. The pain was...intense, surreal, supernatural. It hurt so much the only thing I could do was lay my head against the edge of the sink and moan and try not to throw up because the pain was so bad it was making me nauseous. I was crying without tears. The only sound I could make was a low "Uhh...uhh...uhhh.." I looked at my hands again. The backs and palms were an angry red, my fingers sickly white. I had to stop the running water treatment, however, since the bathroom break I had preempted for my hand-thawing abruptly became priority number one. My hands were flexible enough that I was able to take care of Business, though I still could barely feel anything I touched. Once I was in the shower, I held my hands under the warm water (which felt alternately searing hot and icy cold depending on which part of my hands it touched) and let them thaw the rest of the way. I noticed some dark, purplish patches appearing on the pads of my fingertips. I thought, "Well, at least my hands don't look like Beck Weathers's."

All of this was earlier this morning. My fingertips still hurt. A lot. They're tender, sore, and tingly. I think I had a bit of a brush with frostbite. Somewhere between "frost nip"and superficial frostbite. A narrow escape, if you will. I have to be more careful. I have to get better gloves or mittens, or at least wear two pairs at once. Winter bit me on my unprepared ass this morning.

At least I'm not Steve, who had the same thing happen to his...well, just read about it. And cringe.

Super 5K 2009

At the start of the race. I'm in my stealth bomber outfit again.

It's only February 2 and already my goal of running at least one race every month this year has been TOTALLY DERAILED. I might as well just give up now.

(kidding)

I got home from work Friday afternoon and crawled into bed, from which I did not stir (minus a couple of bathroom breaks) until 4:00 Saturday afternoon. Doing so meant I also did not make it to the Frozen Blueberry 5K in Montrose, a race in which I would have won my age group (my AG winner ran a 29:19).

There went my one shot at doing a race in January.

Needless to say, I did not have high expectations for the Super 5K in Novi on Sunday. I didn't eat anything (cold medicine doesn't count) from lunch Friday until dinner Saturday¹), so my energy reserves were low. My head was still full of snot and I was tired. Nonetheless, I had already registered for the race, so the thought of letting my entry fee go to waste was enough to get me up and out the door by 7:40 am yesterday for the 9:00 start time.

The race was even more crowded than last year's version. Somehow I managed to get an age group award last year with the slowish time of 26:06, and I knew I could better that, but I suspected the increase in numbers and my transition to a new age group might make it more difficult this year. I decided to pay closer attention to my body than usual, not make it do anything it couldn't handle, and see where that led me.

After an extremely slow and crowded start, I settled into what I felt was a smooth groove and let the pavement slide past. I reached mile 1 in 7:36, mile 2 in 7:39, and slowed substantially for mile 3, which was an all-uphill grind (8:15). I crossed the finish mat with a Garmy time of 24:13, which was much better than last year and better than I was expecting considering my physical state. I was breathing hard and coughing spastically from the cold, dry air. I waited around for the awards ceremony, but this year I was not one of the lucky ones. In retrospect, I am not disappointed, because the AG awards this year were the same as they were last year (a wool hat). I don't need two of the same thing (unless they are Smartwool socks or Nike Dri-Fit base layers, in which case, the more the better).

After the race, my running buddy and I headed over to Kensington Metropark to put in some additional mileage. I had 8 miles on my schedule for Sunday, and I was anxious to put in at least some of the miles I was supposed to over the weekend, having totally missed my 6-mile pace run on Saturday. We did an easy 5 miles, and by the end I was seriously dragging. The previous few days were fast catching up with me and I could tell my fuel tank was nearly empty. As soon as I got home I cleaned up and then crawled back into bed for yet another nap.

Mondays are my cross-training days, so today I spent a leisurely half-hour on the recumbent bike reading Us Weekly followed by some core strengthening exercises.

In other news, today, February 2, Groundhog Day, is the day I had surgery two years ago, the surgery that changed my life forever. Happy Anniversary to me! Here's to two of the best years of my life, and many more to come!

Super 5K, February 1, 2009
Chip time: 24:14 (7:48 pace)
7/79 W 35-39
57th woman
287th overall

1: The first thing I put in my stomach after my self-imposed fast was a Lagunitas IPA. It was superb.

NOT According to Plan!

It was supposed to be a nice evening out on the town, starting off with dinner at the Blue Nile and followed by the Chanticleer concert. I drove to my friend P's house nearby after work to pick her up so she could accompany me to dinner; I was going to attend the concert by myself. (You may ask: Why didn't' your husband go with you? Well...the phrase "men's a cappella ensemble singing American folk and jazz songs" should be a tiny indication of why I was by myself.)

Things went awry almost immediately. I had to pause in my backward trajectory out of P's driveway because of a stream of oncoming traffic and when I began to move again...I didn't. My useless POS tires bumped up against that berm of accumulated ice and snow that is deposited at the foot of every driveway from passing snowplows (don't you just love how you can spend 2 hours clearing your driveway only to have a plow push a two-foot-high wall of snow across it in about two seconds?) and I could go no further.

Much swearing, shoveling, spinning of tires, spreading of cat litter, driving over floor mats, sliding, getting stuck perpendicular to the driveway, and having the ass end of my car hanging out into one of Ann Arbor's busier roads later, I called for a tow truck. That sucker wasn't going anywhere. Oh, and, have you ever tried to do something like this in a stick shift car? Yeah, that significantly increases the annoyance and difficulty factor. I'm surprised I didn't set my clutch on fire.

My poor little car, mired in snow; this position was an improvement over the wedged-crossways-between-snow-piles predicament in which I found myself earlier.

After tow truck-enabled extraction. Sometimes I miss my four-wheel-drive Jeep Grand Cherokee with the giant burly tires.

By the time P and I were back in the car and pointed in the right direction, it was almost 7:30. The concert started at 8:00. Neither one of us had eaten dinner; we were both starving. I was so mad I could hardly see straight, my left calf muscle was throbbing from working the clutch so hard, and my head was pounding due to a nasty cold that flared up over the course of the past two days (putting my plan to run the Frozen Blueberry race tomorrow in jepoardy). I said, "Let's just go eat. I don't care about going to the concert anymore." The tickets were good for 20% off our meal at the restaurant and I didn't want to pass up that bargain. We went and stuffed ourselves with delicious Ethiopian food and then retired to the Arbor Brewing Company across the street for a beer.

My consolation prize for the botched evening: a pint of ABC's Big Ben.

There are worse things than spending an evening with a good friend and having said evening involve good beer, I suppose.

The Runner Has Two Faces

These are from the Holiday Hustle 5K that was in December. I found them on RunMichigan's photos page, where they have digital files available for the low price of $4.00. I think this is incredibly fantastic and awesome and runner-friendly, since as we all know most places charge astronomical prices for image files.

In the beginning: My "concentration" face as I contemplate the task at hand. I am wearing my "stealth" outfit: all sleek, all black. I am the SR-71 Blackbird! Or would that be the B-2 Stealth Bomber?


At the finish: ARRRRGH! Can you FEEL THE BURN? This was an uncomfortable race and I was glad it was almost over, stealth outfit or not.

Weirdest. Sensation. Ever.

This morning I bravely braved the snowy outdoors for my six-mile run. We're getting a light brush from that bitch of a storm's skirt here in Michigan and when I went out there were a couple inches of new snow on the ground (but nothing like the devastation by ice taking place to the south, nor the eight inches my parents in northeast Ohio's Snow Belt have received). Never fear, YakTrax to the rescue! The quasi-plowed streets were perfect for YakTrax-ing. Traffic was light and I was enjoying myself.

Halfway through mile 4 I swung into one of the cookie-cutter subdivisions from hell that have cropped up on the outskirts of town like a noxious cluster of mushrooms. Despite my scorn for the development and what it represents (destruction of farmland, bland yuppie sameness; every house with a hunk of plastic play structure in the backyard and an SUV in the driveway, 2.5 kids and a Golden retriever), I enjoy running on its perimeter because the road is flat and lightly traveled. So lightly traveled, in fact, that this morning I was breaking virgin snow with my feet. Not a soul, neither man nor beast nor automobile, had passed before me. I entered the area of the sub closest to the city water treatment plant where all of the building lots are empty save one (imagine that!) and the development company never even bothered to erect street lights (actually I think that particular developer, the one who took over the "less desirable" lots near the sewage treatment plant, went bankrupt).

The predawn darkness closed in and as I stared at the snow in front of me I was overcome by the most peculiar feeling. The uniform blanket of white in every direction, unbroken by shadow or footprint, made it impossible to tell where the ground actually was. I felt as if I was running on air, suspended above a bottomless void. Only the impact of my feet striking the ground reminded me that I was in fact present on the earth and gravity was my friend. The sensation intensified if I looked directly at the snow. I had to look away, at something concrete and three-dimensional, because it was starting to make me dizzy. My gaze was drawn back to the ground, however, because as brain-scrambling as the view was, it was still cool. I watched my feet move, appearing to be suspended above nothingness, and yet finding solid ground in the formless void. This lasted until I arrived at a place where someone had backed out of a driveway, and the tire tracks gave the snow some topography and the illusion was broken.

I arrived home snow-covered, a slick, salty mustache of clear snot plastered to my upper lip region, peeled off my YakTrax and wet clothes, and once upstairs in the bathroom I saw myself in the mirror and seriously, people, I looked like death warmed over. Zombielike, if you will; I could have been an undead extra in any recent zombie-themed movie. My eyes were red-rimmed, grayish smudges underneath them, hair all straggly and wet, lips pale purple, face smeared with snot and sweat and snow, ghostly white except for a couple of pinkish spots on my cheeks. The effect was gruesome. I even said, "oh my god, I look terrible" to my reflection and then leapt into the shower as fast as I could.

When I rolled in from my 11-miler on Sunday, freezing cold, staggering, and bleary-eyed, with snot frozen in two little wads in my nostrils , John was in the kitchen. As soon as he saw me he said, "What a glamorous sport."

Nope. Not glamorous at all, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm not a figure skater, I'm a distance runner.

Decisions, Decisions...

One of my goals for 2009 is to run at least one race each month. As you all are aware, January is almost over and Saturday is the last day I can squeeze in a race. I already have February's race on deck: the Super 5K, which will be on Sunday the 1st. I ran that race last year and scored an age group award.

Now, as for Saturday. I have two options.

One: the Frozen Blueberry 5K in Montrose. It starts at 10:00 am and is a regular old 5K road race. However, it's 85 miles away from my house. Which begs the question: how far is too far to drive to run a road race?

Two: the Winter Switchback Run, which also starts at 10:00 am, and is a mere 10 minutes away from my house. The downside is it's a trail run up some pretty brutal hills (which I am quite familiar with, having once upon a time lived in a small house not far from there) , it's not timed, there are no awards, and it sounds like it's not even measured accurately; therefore, can it even be called a "race"?

However, it's only 8 miles away from my house as opposed to 85.

On the other hand, Montrose is close to the Birch Run Outlet Mall-O-Plex, and there's a great kitchen gadetry and cookware store there which I have not visited in some time (for good reason; I have a weakness for shiny pots and pans). Additionally, it appears that age group competition is light and it is likely I would score some AG hardware.

Nasty trail run very close to home vs. road race far far away but with added bonus of shopping afterward...what to do...

Day After Thursday Thoughts

What a week, people. What a week.

• My standard operating system is up and running. Debugging complete. Virus eradicated.
  
• You know you're a hardcore winter runner when you think heading out when it's 29 degrees is "warm" and "pleasant." Whatever it is, it's better than last Friday's minus-10.
  
• Not only was Tuesday a Very Great Day for America (even if I had to miss the live and in person version), it was also the day Animal Collective's new album, Merriweather Post Pavilion, hit the streets, and I can finally post a link to a LEGAL audio stream/mp3 of what I think IS ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME SONGS I HAVE EVER HEARD: "My Girls." Confession: I snagged a totally illegal mp3 of this back in early December when it leaked on the Internet and immediately put it on practically infinite repeat. iTunes says I've listened to it 34 times, and that's 34 complete times, not counting the times when I jumped back to the start before the song had finished because I couldn't wait for it to begin again. That also doesn't count the times I've heard it on my iPod, because this is truly a fantastic song for running. Well, my running anyway. Standard disclaimer: noisy samples and synthesizers aren't for everyone.
• Tomorrow is a double helping of my other two passions in life: opera and food. First, I am going to see another Met Live in HD broadcast (Orfeo ed Euridice with the stupendous Stephanie Blythe) and then shortly afterward the Michigan Lady Food Bloggers are descending on my house for a very much anticipated "Summer in January" foodie event where we are going to try and recapture some of summer's warmth and cheer. I'm making strawberry shortcake.
  
• The ol' running schedule suffered somewhat this week, but I still managed 5 miles on Sunday and 3 miles last night. Even though today is Rest Day, I am debating taking advantage of the warm temperature (33 degrees in Ann Arbor as of last reckoning) and going out for my 5 mile run after work tonight instead of tomorrow morning, when it will be much colder. And speaking of cold, the low Saturday night is supposed to be minus 5! Sunday's 12-miler is going to be a chilly one...

I've seen this one going around teh Interwebs lately: the "Five Addictions" meme. I thought I'd be a sheep and jump on that bandwagon, too. Or if I'm going to be a sheep, wouldnt' that mean I join the flock? Onward...

1. Running. Duh.

2. My down comforter. I bought this king-sized, silk-clad waft of luxury for an incredibly low price (I think it was 80% off or something: originally over $1000 and I got it for $200) at a clearance sale at The Company Store Outlet in LaCrosse, Wisconsin, shortly before I moved to Michigan for graduate school. It has been my faithful companion in sleep for the past ten years. It has kept me warm and snug in the coldest of barely-heated lakeside cottage Michigan winters (and barely-heated 1920-era bungalows in small Michigan cities).

3. My town. Can I be addicted to a place? I have lived here in my house for almost 7 years, which is second only to the 8 years I spent in the same house in Los Altos, California. I love my town. I can leave my house on foot and in 30 minutes I can buy stamps, milk, cowboy boots, a refrigerator, dog food, a haircut, knick knacks (not always useful, but they have their place), a shot of espresso, a bag full of used paperbacks, drop off some dry cleaning, visit the library, and grab a sandwich for lunch on my way home. It's such a useful town. Additionally, after so long in one place, I'm a regular at several establishments around town (and no, they're not all bars), and as such

4. Ben and Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. Hands down, my favorite ice cream flavor of all time. I used to eat it by the pint in college. I still eat it, but only in half-pint increments.

5. Reading. I learned to read when I was about three years old and I've never stopped. I read for a living. I read every night before I go to bed. If I don't I literally can't sleep. My bedtime reading ritual is ingrained into my very soul at this point. I am always reading at least one book at once. When I worked as a temp at Borders Books (the world HQ here in Ann Arbor, not one of the retail stores) I had the key to the mythical Book Room, where surplus and unwanted advance and complimentary copies sent to the buyers ended up. I treated the Book Room like my personal bookstore. In two months I accumulated about 250 new books. It was a bookworm's dream come true. As long as my eyes continue to function I will always read.

Toasting our new President Tuesday evening. This is how I spent Inauguration Day: in a recliner, wrapped in a blanket, with a cat. It wasn't what I had hoped for, but it was enough. Just watching it on TV made me all verklempt.

Stomach Flu: 1, Me: 0

Today was supposed to be one of the most memorable days of my life. Instead I am stuck at my aunt's house six miles away from the epicenter of the action, still wearing the same underwear I put on two days ago.

I drove to Virginia on Sunday because today I was going to meet my best friend in Washington DC so we could experience first-hand the dawn of a new era. Ah, but even the best-laid plans are subject to change; in this case, a virus swiftly and surely brought me to new lows of misery. People, I have never been so sick in my whole life. I'll spare y'all the particulars. With heavy heart I spoke to my friend yesterday and decided it was not in my best interests (nor that of anyone around me) to try and attend the inauguration. Yesterday I felt like hot garbage that had been run over by a steamroller. I felt about 5% human. Today I feel like I've been only run over by a steamroller and about 50% human. I think I might even have enough strength to take a shower and change my clothes.

Then I'll sit and watch the inauguration on TV like everybody else.

Hardcore or Crazy: Pop Quiz

Hardcore: Running during the winter.

Crazy: Running when the temperature is minus 5 degrees F.

Please select one.

In other news, the "Shape Up and Stay Fit" panel discussion at the library last night was a success. I saw some of my RF501 teammates whom I have not seen since the marathon in October or seen very infrequently. Despite the unwelcoming temperature, about 15 people showed up for the discussion. I decided on "running dork" for my wardrobe and wore my official Detroit jacket (OK, I wear it all the time).

My proudest moment was describing how I found myself weighing over 220 pounds two and a half years ago and through Weight Watchers and running I have lost ~60 pounds.

And finally, my Cleveland Marathon training plan has launched as of this week; of course it coincides with the worst cold snap of the winter (high temperature today will be less than 10 degrees; wind chill tomorrow will be minus 20). I treadmilled it yesterday at the gym (3 miles) but the prospect of staring down 5 miles on the treadmill this morning was unpalatable so I decided to see what it felt like to run outside in subzero temperatures. I doubled up on everything: warm tights under warm pants; base layer under warm top under warm jacket; ear band under hat. I fussed around with my outfit for so long before leaving the house that I could only do 4 miles. 4 very, very, very cold miles.

However, something I said last night at the discussion returned to me as I crunched along the snow-encrusted sidewalks. I said that I find "a certain kind of purity" to running outdoors in the winter: the silence, the stillness, the dark, the feeling of being the only person in the world. At 6:30 am in mid-January, it is easy to feel this way.

And lastly, a lesson in irony (real irony, not Alanis Morrissette-style "irony"): I parked my car in the underground area at work yesterday to avoid having it become covered in snow, which was in the forecast. When I returned to it at the end of the day, it was encased in ice from water that had seeped through a joint in the outdoor parking deck overhead. My car had been under the drip all day.

I parked outdoors today.

My Celebrity Appearance

Guess who's going to be appearing in person at the local library next week?

There was also an article which appeared in the local paper yesterday but the online version is truncated and doesn't include all of the brilliant, inspirational quotes from yours truly.

Certain of my tiny readership (I'm looking in your direction, E.B.) who live in the area should attend!

In other news, we're about to get slammed with yet more snow; the winter storm warning from the local weather doom and gloom outpost includes the statement "ONLY TRAVEL IN AN EMERGENCY. IF YOU MUST TRAVEL...KEEP AN EXTRA FLASHLIGHT...FOOD...AND WATER IN YOUR VEHICLE IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY."

Does "food" include an old Gu packet I have stashed in my glovebox?

Bathroom Babble and More

You know you're a runner when you encounter a co-worker/fellow runner in the bathroom and end up having a ten-minute conversation about upcoming races, training plans, paces, group runs, gear, the weather, etc...I can only imagine what the unfortunate person trapped in the bathroom with us was thinking: "Who are these crazy people?"

In other news, I am über-excited because this evening before my regular group run I am going to (carefully) break out some of the megabucks in gift certificate money (monies?) I received for my recent birthday. YakTrax are at the top of my list. After that...THE SKY IS THE LIMIT!

And finally, I am extremely jealous of fellow runner TK who is in Ireland, a place near and dear to my heart (I lived there for 5 weeks for my geology field camp experience). Not only am I jealous because she is in beautiful, verdant Ireland and I am not, but she will be able to run in Ireland while I am stuck on the same crappy snow-covered Michigan sidewalks I've been pounding for the past 2 years (in various states of snow-coveredness; right now, they are covered with a couple inches of fresh snow). I lamented some time ago about missing out on running in various exotic places because at the time of my visits I was not a runner. (Shocking!) One of the two places I regret not running in the most is western Ireland (the other being my beloved valley in Wyoming). Oh, some day I will return. As Arnold said, "I'll be bock."

I just turned 35...

Which is why I find this post so unbelievably hilarious. I was laughing out loud. I was wiping away tears, people.

My contribution:

I remember when the Internet came to my college (1994) and everyone said, "You gotta check out this 'Netscape' thing! It's amazing!"

When the new hot singles came out on 45s and everyone rushed down to the nearest Tower Records to snap them up.

The Commodore 64 with the tape deck on the side. Woah!

My first radio only received AM.

My first Walkman only had fast-forward capability, no rewind. To "rewind" a cassette, I had to flip it over and fast-forward. Oh, and the thing was about the size (and weight) of a brick.

Anyone remember Outback Red? Or Forenza?

I sold Girl Scout cookies for $1.25 per box.

I feel old.

Looking Forward, Looking Back

A year ago I wrote this as my list of goals for 2008. I had an 87.5% success rate, achieving 7 of the 8 goals I set for myself:

• Run half marathon in under 2 hours (SUCCESS)
  
• Run a 7:00 mile (SUCCESS)
  
• Run a sub-25:00 5K (SUCCESS)
  
• Get a new 5K PR (SUCCESS)
  
• Run a 10K race (SUCCESS)
  
• Run the Detroit Marathon! (SUCCESS)
  
• Reach my Weight Watchers goal weight (FAIL)
  
• Run as much as humanly possible without injury (SUCCESS...sort of)
  

I feel pretty good about all of this (with the exception of not reaching my Weight Watchers goal weight, but at least I can say I weigh the same as I did a year ago. I'm doing a fabulous job of maintaining the weight I don't want!).

What else did I manage to do this year?

• Ran six 5K races, taking home age group awards in four of them and setting new personal records twice (Shamrocks and Shenanigans in March; A Most Amazing Race in June)
  
• Ran two 10K races, setting a PR at the Dexter-Ann Arbor 10K in June
• Ran the Marine Corps Historic Half with my dad, which was a great experience
  
• Took first place female in the Run for the Rolls, which may be the only time that ever happens, and set a new mile PR as well (6:48)
• Ran 1330.3 total miles, which took 203 hours, 9 minutes, and 36 seconds (average pace: 9:11/mile) and burned 157,983 total calories
  
• Met a few of my fellow run-bloggers in real life (I'm still waiting to meet certain of the rest of y'all)
  
• Made the great leap into the 35-39 age group (does this mean I'm officially in my mid-thirties? that's only a stone's throw away from...FORTY)
  

In 2009, I hope to:

• Qualify for the 2010 Boston Marathon at the Cleveland Marathon in May
• Run a sub-1:50 half marathon
• Run a sub-50:00 10K
• Set another new 5K PR (less than 22:44)
• OR break 22:00 in a 5K (this would be decidedly the more awesome of the two)
  
• Run 1500 miles for the year
• Run at least one race each month
  

I turned in just over 5 miles this morning as my last run of the year, a run through freshly-fallen snow and occasional swirling flurries mixed with bright sunshine. Fleet Foxes' "White Winter Hymnal" came on my iPod as I traversed a stretch of sidewalk with my shadow on the snow in front of me. It was a fitting way to wrap up the year.

In 11 days I launch my training for Cleveland. My nearly three months of the Do Whatever I Feel Like "plan" are almost over. It's time to get down to business. The business of BQ.

Happy New Year, everyone!

I shall conclude with my favorite photos of the past year.

During the Meteor 10K (April)

My Dad and I after the Marine Corps Historic Half (May)

Finishing the Dexter-Ann Arbor 10K in 50:00 (new PR) (June)

Hill work in Dexter with the RF501 Gang (July)

With my plaque for winning the women's Run For The Rolls 1-mile (August)

During my first 20-mile run (September)

Finishing the Detroit Marathon in 3:52:01 (October)

In my Obsessed Runner "costume" on Halloween (October)

And one which has not yet been seen: At the Chelsea/Dexter RF501 end-of-season party. I won a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon (aka "PBR," aka "Pretty Bad Refreshment") in a random drawing. Victor traded me for a bottle of Unibroue Maudite for the remainder of the sixer at the conclusion of the evening. I think I got the better end of that deal.

Happiness Is...

• Getting out for a nice 6-mile run in agreeable temperatures
• Going to see a really good movie at my favorite movie theater and being able to order and consume a Magic Hat #9 Not-Quite-Pale-Ale IN THE THEATER
  
• Finding a six-pack of Brooklyn Brewing Co. Black Chocolate Stout at the local beverage store which I immediately dug into as soon as I got back to my parents'
  
• Knowing that the weather forecast for tomorrow has projected highs in the MID-SIXTIES (hello, long run!)

What's making you happy this week?

First Run of Winter

The view from my front window about 11:00 am today

Even though it didn't really seem like it given the weather for the past month, yesterday was officially the first day of winter. It arrived in style, heralded by the Storm of December '08 on Friday, which deposited about a foot of snow on my fair city.

Seeing that I am on vacation until January 5 (HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA), I am taking full advantage of my string of days off by running as much as I can in the mornings. When I got up today (9:00 am, ahhhhhh) it seemed like a perfect morning for a long run.

Yes, it does say "12 degrees." And that was after I came back!

Late last night around bedtime it was zero degrees F and the wind was blowing ferociously. This morning, however, the wind had died down, the temperature had crept up (it was 10 degrees when I headed out) and there were intermittent flurries of big poofy flakes. I put on my best winter running outfit and hit the roads. I went over to the other side of town to part of the 8-mile loop that I ran twice a week during marathon training, a route I had not trod in nearly three months. My favorite port-a-potty was missing from the athletic fields, not that I would have dared expose any extra body parts to the elements even if I had found myself in a dire emergency (fortunately, no issues this time). The snow waxed and waned and I could feel both it and the vapor from my breath collecting and freezing on my face. As soon as I got back I took a picture before the crust melted.

I had icicles in my hair all the way around. Gotta love winter!

My Garmy and Me...

You know you're a runner when...you charge your Garmin Forerunner at work.

Garmy is right here next to me, nestled among the pens, Kleenex, lip balm, pads of paper, and stapler, charging up for my group run this evening.

My Garmy, my Garmy, my Garmy and me!

Math Lesson

You ever have one of those moments where everything aligns just so and you're positive it couldn't just be a coincidence, that something greater is at work? This is one of those moments.

Whilst doing my usual blog reading and coffee-drinking this morning, I came across this statement in yet another one of GQH's seemingly endless posts:

You're not exactly dealing with a chimp here! Because if I were a chimp, I'd've produced a Shakespearean play by now, what with all this random typing I do. And I haven't.

Not five minutes earlier my co-worker had shown me the answer to a statistical mechanics problem we had been discussing earlier this week (yes, we're all a bunch of nerds, you wanna make something of it?).

The statistics problem in question?

Suppose that 10^(10th) monkeys have been seated at typewriters throughout the age of the universe, 10^(18^th) seconds. This number of monkeys is about three times greater than the present human population of the earth. We suppose that a monkey can hit 10 typewriter keys per second. A typewriter may have 44 keys; we accept lower case letters in place of capital letters. Assuming that Shakespeare’s Hamlet has 10^(5th) characters, will the monkeys hit upon Hamlet?

a) Show that the probability that any given sequence of 10^(5^th) characters typed at random will come out in the correct sequence of Hamlet is of the order of (1/44) to the power of (10^5) = 10^(-164,345), where log base 10 of 44 =1.64345.

b) Show that the probability that a monkey Hamlet will be typed in the age of the universe is 10^(-164,316). The probability of Hamlet is therefore zero in any operational sense of an event.

Do you see, dear readers, how the heavens (or some approximation thereof) suddenly aligned, and a beam of light shone down and a voice said, You have the answers to all of the statistical mechanics questions in the universe. You have the power to bring this knowledge to the people. Or, one person in particular who thinks that, if he were a chimp, he should have somehow randomly created a work of Shakespeare by now even though he's only been blogging since September of this year.

Overly complicated answers, I has them. Let me show you them.

Note: I am not solving the problem for the probability that a bunch of chimps (or one chimp) will be able to reproduce Shakespeare. I'm only proving what has already been stated, to wit, the probability of such an event occurring within the time frame of the age of the universe is "therefore zero in any operational sense of an event." (gotta love that math language!) I'm proving that GQH, if he were a chimp, could not possibly be able to reproduce a work of Shakespeare, so he should just stick to continuing to be human(?) and writing excessively long posts with lots of footnotes (and maybe, in a few billion years, he'll get lucky).

Part a): 44^(N) possible typewriter key combinations, a sequence of 10^5 keys pressed at random required to duplicate Hamlet, so N = 10^5 and the total number of possible sequences is 44^(10^5)

One possible correct sequence to recreate Hamlet being typed at random by a chimp:

1/(44^(10^5)) = 10^N = (1/44)^(10^5)

Log base 10^N = log(1/44)^(10^5)

Solve for N:

N = -10^5 log(44)

N= -10^5 * (1.64345)

N = -164345

(1/44)^(10^5) = 10^(-164345) which is the probability that even 10^10 monkeys sitting at typewriters throughout the age of the universe (10^18 seconds) would be able to reproduce Hamlet. In case you're wondering, 10 to the negative anything is a small number. 10 to the negative 164,345 is, like, absolute zero¹.

Part b): 10^10 monkeys typing for 10^18 seconds, each hitting 10 keys per second

In 10^18 seconds, 10^29 keys are hit (10^10 + 10^18 + 10^1)

Begin a new sequence each time a key is hit except (10^5)-1

At end of a 10^29 character sequence each 1 character long such that monkeys type 10^29 sequences

Hamlet = 10^5 characters long. Monkeys type (10^29)-(10^5) sequences

Probability of monkey-created Hamlet typed in 10^18 seconds = (10^29) * (10^(-164345)) = 10^(-164316)

(1): Yes, I know absolute zero is a measurement of temperature (-459.67 degrees F, -273.15 deg Celsius, and 0 Kelvin, in case you're wondering). Absolute zero is a state of matter where said matter's molecular energy is minimal; that is, it is characterized by zero entropy and cannot transfer its energy to other systems. What does this have to do with the probability that a chimp will recreate Hamlet? Well, not much, really, (though it might be how y'all are feeling by now after reading this...no energy whatsoever) but I think the concept of absolute zero is fascinating because of what happens to matter when it approaches absolute zero. Y'all ever hear of Bose-Einstein condensates? Superfluidity? NO? OMG, people, Bose-Einstein condensates are SO COOL (literally, HA HA HA...they're cooled to a few billionths of a degree above absolute zero). At that temperature, an entirely new state of matter is created! We're talking quantum mechanics in action, total weirdness! Really awesome, amazing stuff that makes me wish I was a theoretical physicist so I could play with supercooled atoms all day. But I suck at math. :)